#PromotionWithPride Proudly Presents: Guilt — My Companion: A Journey of Healing by Chuck Jackson @c
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  • N. N. Light
    • Jun 22, 2018
    • 6 min read

#PromotionWithPride Proudly Presents: Guilt — My Companion: A Journey of Healing by Chuck Jackson @c


It's Pride Month and every day, N. N. Light's Book Heaven will feature a book and an author from the LGBTQ+ community. I firmly believe in sharing life experiences. Not only is it cathartic for the writer but someone struggling with the same thing will discover they are not alone. Guilt -- My Companion: A Journey of Healing is based on Chuck Jackson's own life. It's gripping, moving and I highly recommend.

Title: Guilt — My Companion: A Journey of Healing

Author: Chuck Jackson

Genre: Biographical Fiction, based on actual events.

Book Blurb:

A passionate and true story, Guilt—My Companion is based on the author’s struggle against societies ignorance and prejudice. Beginning in the 60’s it follows his journey of personal struggle of self-identity and acceptance. It is a narrative of strength and recovery from tragedy and grief. The author shares the rejection from his dysfunctional family and his battle to overcome guilt and depression.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Life is a journey, not a destination.”. But for this story, the journey is the destinations he took. It wasn’t where he intended, and he had little control of the paths he took. Along those paths were heartaches and defeat. He found deception, prejudice and hate. Lay in waiting was his companion, Guilt; the robber of personal pleasure. Follow his story and discover when he conquered guilt, there was nothing inhibiting his self-growth and happiness.

Excerpt:

Note – This excerpt deals with sexual assault so if that’s a trigger, please be aware.

The normal child growing up has a curiosity about their body and the bodies of their friends. This curiosity is part of the natural development. Parents who stifle a child’s sexual inquisitiveness may jeopardize the normal development. It is normal, especially in males, to explore and self-stimulate their genitals. It is normal for the child to look at the naked body of others, even adults.

I don’t think I differed from other boys. I can’t remember a time that I didn’t have a sexual inquisitiveness. My dad, after catching me staring at adult men in the base pool shower room, suggested my curiosity was abnormal. In our home, bodily functions and sex were taboo subjects of conversation and you were never to be in any state of undress unless in the bathroom.

When I began puberty, I joined my peers in talking about sex and exploring our bodies. As with most boys, masturbation was a fixation. At thirteen, I had my first sexual experience with a male cousin who was a year older than me. Although juvenile, we did things I did not know of before. I continued to have sexual experiences with boys, but never with girls.

When I was fifteen I became infatuated with an airman on base. Even though my dad had forbidden me to go into the airmen’s barracks, when invited, I followed him back to his barracks. Once in his room and the door locked, he gave me a beer. I had sipped a beer before, but this was my first experience drinking a whole one. By the time, I had finished my second, my head was reeling, and I succumbed to his sexual advances. With the premise of a back massage, he had my clothes removed and me lying on my stomach. Within minutes, he was on top and forced himself into me. It was brutal, and I attempted without success to get him to stop. I finally surrendered and endured the pain.

When it was over, I ran out of the barracks. I felt shame and embarrassment of getting myself into the predicament. I felt it was my fault because I wanted to have sex with him. What never crossed my mind was that I was a victim of sexual abuse and rape.

For years, I carried the guilt that there was something wrong with me because I found the male body alluring. Every time I had a sexual encounter with another male, I carried the same shame and guilt for weeks. I dated girls through high school but never had sex with them. I had heard of homosexuality, but the inference was always negative.

I listened to my dad, uncles, and his friends call homosexuals queers, faggots, and other demeaning names. They implied that homosexuals were sick, abnormal, and the lowest human beings on this earth. In church, they told me homosexuality was an abominable sin and you would go to hell if you “lay with another man.”

Since several of my friends were doing the same thing I was doing, I never thought it might be homosexual sex. Yet, as I matured, I found fewer boys willing to take part in my sexual games. I convinced myself it was immature boy play and I would grow out of it. Since homosexuals were low-life animals and I wasn’t anything like that, I could not be one.

When I entered high school, I heard more negative and demeaning remarks about homosexuals from my classmates. I told myself I would not be a queer. I dated girls and my interest in my earlier sexual games diminished.

In my senior year, I had my first puppy love. It wasn’t with a girl, but with my best male friend. Our first sexual encounter we justified due to our intoxication. When our sexual encounters continued, we stopped trying to rationalize it and we didn’t discuss it. Weekends found me with him at his house. His mother took us on skiing and other excursions into Canada. Looking back, she knew about our relationship and found no objection. She fostered activities for us to be alone.

After graduation, his mother took him and his sister on a trip to Germany to visit her family. My heart was breaking on our separation and I wanted somehow for us to reunite. That never happened, and I never saw him again.

When I started college, I resolved to end the immature sexual games with boys. I wanted to date girls. I met David and we became friends. When he admitted he was sexually interested in me, we began our sexual encounters. Our brief relationship broke up when both of us couldn’t handle the guilt and the fear of someone catching us. I again lectured myself to end this nonsense activity.

When I joined the Air Force, the fear of someone catching me kept me from any temptation. The military did not tolerate homosexuals and they would kick you out if caught. I kept myself in control for two years. However, when I discovered my roommate enjoyed men, we had a couple encounters.

In my determination of completing Special Forces training, I repressed those desires. Again, I felt dirty and guilty for allowing myself to fantasize about men. I was sincere when I thought once I had reoccurring sex with a female, the desires for male sex would end. I could not, or I would not, be a homosexual.

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Author’s Thoughts on Pride Month and/or Diversity in Books:

My book is not the first book nor will be the last book revealing the protagonist’s coming out experiences. My reason was to go beyond just a coming out story and the discrimination and personal tragedies were overcome. It shows a journey in healing and to self-happiness.

Young men and women going through the process of self-identification need to know they are not alone. Books are a great source of support and access to them should be outsourced in whatever method will get the best results. So many times, when people search for books using a ‘search or key word’ gay, they find mostly adult (X-rated) fiction. Legitimate and popular websites promoting all genres when they promote support-based LGBT books, provide the avenue these young people need and seek.

Author Biography:

Chuck Jackson is a retired accountant living in South East Florida. He graduated from the University of Texas at San Antonio with a BBA in Accounting. He spent the last 25 years of his career working as the Budget Manager for a Special District in Palm Beach County. He was a member of Government Finance Officer’s Association (GFOA) and Florida’s GFOA.

Since his retirement, Chuck has spent his years studying and enhancing his love for writing. In June 2016, he released his first book: One Month, 20 Days, and a Wake-Up. In July 2017 he released: What Did I Do? May 2018 he released: Guilt — My Companion. All three books are available as an e-book or paperback.

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